*Practice The Art of Conversation

The art of conversation is . . .

We choose what we want to listen to. We can actually tune out what we don't want to hear. I remember once in a science class, we conducted a study in which we hooked up an electrode to the auditory canal sensor of a cat's ear. We then turned on an irritating noise which the cat immediately heard. Lines appeared on an oscilloscope screen. After a short time, the lines on the oscilloscope went flat, as if the cat had stopped listening; yet the noise was still there. To prove that the cat had chosen to shut out the noise, we introduced a mouse. The noise instantly appeared and the oscilloscope went wild.

WE'VE ALL BEEN THE CAT, shutting out what we determine is not worth listening to. If you learn nothing more before you go to the grave, learning to really listen will make your life instantly much better. The most important tool I've added to and learned for my own tool box has been to become a better listener (and affirm/confirm that I have heard the message) to almost everyone, especially my wife. And aren't "he listens to me" and "he validates (affirms) my feelings" the top areas on our women's survey lists that make them feel loved? You bet!

And this one pays big dividends from the Love Bank Account. Just to listen. Not to fix, correct, or judge. Just to be a good listener.

Actually, the art of the art of conversation has not been lost. It has just fallen victim to the television set or been substituted with trips to the video store. Men receive most of their validation from their jobs. Ironically, most women, because of the types of jobs they have, are not always validated in their work position. In fact, it probably has a negative effect on their validation. Add to this some of the types of professions that women have, they are still earning only 74¢ to the $1.00 of a man's earning power (up from 64¢ ten years ago). Even though they are earning 85%-95% in some fields. Over a thirty-year career, this could add up to $440,000. It could make the difference in buying a home, sending children to college, or retirement plans.

This hasn't changed much since biblical times when a man between 20 and 60 years of age earned 50 silver shekels, and a woman earned just 30 shekels. Single parent women are usually the ones who are left with the children after a divorce.

If we continually have ourselves jammed into the TV, how can we even begin to try to have a meaningful conversation? And if we don't talk on a regular basis, how will we be able to talk when an emergency arises?

I was doing the bills one day while glancing at the TV. I picked up the changer (mine has Space Command Unit written on it) and in frustration realized I was trying to change the channels with my calculator.

In response to this compulsion, the cable companies are coming out with a new feature. All you will have to do is switch to a designated channel, and that channel will flip through the channels for you. You need only sit there and zone.

I'm joking when I say that the problem here is that women need to speak a minimum of 38,785 words a day (it's genetic) and men need to speak only 987 words per day; and by the time men get home, they only have three words left---then they turn to conversational grunting.

Many women can get pent up if they are not able to process what is on their mind. The days of doing the wash down at the river with the other women, quilting and canning bees, and the extended family living in the same home are long gone. Working in a male environment and not having the time to be around other women is no help. Many men feel that they are stuck with this job of listening.

This is no joke. If this need goes unfulfilled by a woman's partner, it will be channeled elsewhere: to women friends, activities, hours on the phone (the cleanest place in the house could be the area within reach of the telephone cord), church, family, people in need, drugs or alcohol to mask the feelings and pain, or to another man who will stop long enough to listen to what a woman needs to say. This situation can lead to a serious affair.

It might be interesting to note that refusing to talk to another person is a form of control. You have no idea how many times we have heard, "He or she is driving me crazy. He (or she) will not talk to me." This is unfortunate, because if a problem exists, 60% of the problem can go away just by talking about it. Another form of control can be that the person talks so much (they must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle) that no one else can get a word in. Once you do get a chance to say something, these interruptaholics jam right back and take you out. Try to listen at least 60% of the time.

Have you ever talked to someone of the opposite sex and felt as if you were talking to someone from another country? Well, you are not far off, because we are wired differently. Women are more relational and conversational. Women use conversation with each other as an adhesive for friendships. Women sit closer, face each other, and just visit.

Men, on the other hand, are more detached. Men use conversation to gather statistics and facts to jam and take each other out, to form strategies and solutions to fix things. Once men have got the information, they tend to stop talking. No small wonder that these two different ways of conversation can cause major problems, because women will want to talk to their mates; just talk. And while women are talking, men are trying to fix things, gather statistics, control and judge; when many women just want conversation. This situation is frustrating to most women because they don't have the opportunity to complete the loop to get all their feelings and opinions expressed. Some men pretend to listen. They will even gesture, nod, and change facial expressions so that you think they are listening. They're not. They will look past you and you can see that their mind is racing off somewhere else. Women should realize this, especially in business.

Women are more polite and will usually wait their turn in a conversation or a meeting. Your turn may never come, you will not be heard, or someone else will present your ideas before you and be the brilliant one. Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt. Men do! Then, don't build up like you're talking to your girlfriend--hit your major point right out of the blocks. Talk slowly, distinctly, loudly, and boldly. It's your turn!

It's not that men can't be good listeners. They've done it! When they are dating, they can be focused; hanging on your every word. You see, the hunt is on. They are pursuing you. Just like a good hunter, he will camouflage himself to trick you into believing he is not like other men. An expert camouflage artist will really believe he is a tree. Their attentive listening to you could have been one of the reasons that attracted you to them. A guy does all this wonderful stuff that women enjoy like listening, paying special attention to their needs, and mega-doses of romance. Then, what happens? He bags his prey and it stops. The hunter takes off his disguise. The hunt is over, the romance ends.

If a guy can only imagine that the hunt doesn't have to end. He just needs to go on some different safaris that continue to provide the excitement and adventure. He could continue the pursuit and keep bagging his prey with attention, listening and romance. Then, he would continue to score big trophies on the hunting grounds of intimacy.

Men and women even argue differently. Some men generally think they argue in a practical, logical order, ending with a solution. Because women tend to argue more with their feelings and emotions, some men feel that they are arguing with a sniper; they don't know where the next shot is coming from.

My son Rob was in a discussion with his wife Nancy one day that escalated into an argument. Out of the blue Nancy said, "When we were in Hawaii, all you did was read your book. You did the same thing in the Bahamas." Baffled, Rob said , "That was five years ago, and I asked you if it was Okay. You said yes." Nancy said, "Yeah, but you should have known it was bugging me." Rob has figured out what's going on here. Once a discussion escalates towards an argument, the file drawer

from the past is opened. Any file with unresolved issues or unfinished business is fair game to throw in, no matter how long ago it occurred or what the issue is. Isn't love grand?

"Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand."

**If you really want to talk to a man, bring him an easy problem (as long as you don't overdo it). Please don't try to start a conversation by saying, "We need to talk."

He'll say, "About what?"

You'll say, "Us."

Although this conversation is usually a warning that the Love Bank Account could be overdrawn, this does not compute to most men. Especially in the middle of the night. Men are solution-oriented. Men are fixers. By bringing men a simple problem, you can start the conversation and go from there. In many relationships there are issues a woman needs to talk about. The man in her life refuses to listen when she tries to bring them up. Consider this. First ask if this is a good time to talk. It might not be. He might be in the decompression chamber. If not, when would be a good time? Make an appointment (although this sounds silly, it's how many guys are wired). You can start by saying, "I need to talk about this issue. I know you probably don't want to discuss this, but I need to. I would appreciate if you would give me some sign that you are in the room. A sigh, groan, raised eyebrow or whatever." Then say what you need to say until you are done.

There might be another time that you will need to come back and talk about this subject. Maybe several times until you can let it go. Don't try to convince yourself that this is not important. IT IS. Just do it. You may be surprised that you have a better reception than you think. It will become easier after you close the door to retreat.

When women sit and talk they usually face each other and sit closer together than men do. This is the most confrontational way to talk to a guy. It's the position he would be in to conduct business or to face conflict. This is the hunter and his prey eye to eye, going for the kill. Women prefer this position so they can make eye contact to interpret their partners expressions. Many women prefer breaking up in person instead of over the phone just for that reason. Unless a man is in the camouflaged hunter pursuit mode, a woman should not try to have a conversation with her man sitting face to face. He could start preparing for fight or flight. The best way to talk to a man is side by side while driving or going for a walk.

A restaurant will try to seat Harriet and me across from each other. I will automatically move to her side of the table so we are side by side. This is a less threatening position for me. It allows me the opportunity to hold her hand, put my arm around her, rub the back of her neck, and give caresses. This would be tough to do from the confrontational side of the table.

A perfect opportunity is available here if you would set some time aside to get out of the house and go for a walk. This provides time to allow conversation away from the TV, kids, and the phone. If you think you are going to miss something on the television, just put in a tape and record the program.

You can learn from the frustrated couple who shared a incident with us. Joyce and Reed were going to a family reunion an hour's drive away. All week long Joyce was trying to grab some of her husband's time to talk over some issues. The time was never right. The morning of the trip was hectic trying to prepare the two young boys and get on the road. As they wheeled onto the freeway with the two young ones already at each other, Reed said, "All right, you have been wanting to talk all week, we have an hour's drive, let's talk." Reed couldn't understand why Joyce was not receptive and he got a poor reaction. By going for a walk, it not only provides that valuable needed time for conversation, but also the hidden benefits of exercise, some weight loss (which equates to feeling better about yourself), in addition to accomplishing one of the major Love Bank deposit goals of validating and listening to each other.

There are still times when my wife wants to talk to me at a point when I'm not able to stop. If that situation occurs, I'll try to set a mutual time when we can talk. If my wife feels that the information is timely or an emergency, everything else comes to a full stop, including turning off the television set. How on earth are you ever going to listen to someone else when you are switching your attention between the TV and the person you are talking to? At the least, this is insulting. And there are times when Harriet asks me if I want to go to a certain place or do a certain thing, like go to a dinner

for single parents and their children recently. Although I wasn't wild about going, I did hear loud and clear that she really wanted me to go with her. So, I did. And as with most of these activities, it was a special blessing. In addition to an excellent meal, we met new people and had the opportunity to be part of their families.

You can do hard time or easy time, the choice is really yours.

NUGGET: Learn to be a better listener. Affirm for the person you are listening to that you understand what he or she is saying.

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The above is from the book "Fire Up Your Communication Skills" (ISBN 09657620-6- 8) by Fire "Captain Bob" Smith.  He is a recognized expert and speaker/author on stress, communication and relationship skills. He is a humorist, coach, entrepreneur and frequent talk show guest. He also produces customized presentations for career and personal growth. To book him as a speaker, ask him any questions, or get a copy of his book and tapes call (888) 238-3959. e-mail: captbob@verio.com. WebPage: http://www.eatstress.com.