The eternal question has been asked, "When are men going to get IT?" What is IT? Most women know. They don’t have to even say a word to express IT. All they have to do is look at each other with that disgusted smirk, a shrug or roll of their eyes.
IT could mean many things. IT could be knowing and understanding what women want, need or how they want to be treated. IT could mean being treated as an equal in the relationship. IT could be that men have a limited understanding of a woman’s world.
Many men just can’t see or comprehend the purpose in IT and don’t think IT matters. IT can be compared to going out for ice cream. First though, we have to go over to your mother-in-law’s house. A guy will want the ice cream, but he doesn’t want to go through mom-in-law’s house to get IT. If many men aren’t able to ever get IT, maybe they could consider doing what is done in business: negotiating. By negotiating for what they need to make the relationship work, they can narrow the gap which separates them from getting IT.
There have been some interesting discoveries on how differently men's and women's brains operate. This could help explain why men seem never to get IT, as well as the process that takes place between men and women when they try to communicate
Research has revealed the process that takes place when the same information is given to men and women. They were given Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (FMRI) scans of the brain. This new
imaging technology allows a look at how men and women use their brains in different ways. (This is not going to be a contest on who has the advantage of a better brain. The brains of men and women are more alike than not). But, when given the same information, there were surprises in the results. When they gave the information to men, the FMRI showed blood flowing to the left side of the brain. This is the primitive task oriented side of the brain.The same information was given to women. The blood not only flowed into the left side of the brain, it also flowed into the right side of the brain. This is the area where emotions and feelings are experienced.
This research suggests what many have believed. Women appear to have the full use of both hemispheres of their brains. The bundle of nerves (the corpus callosum) that bridges the left and right sides of the brain is 23 percent larger in women. There are more nerves in these bundles. This could be like having the Pentium super computer chip on the intimacy information super highway. Some guys can become
road kill on this road to intimacy when they are overwhelmed with this overload on their system. This system could allow a woman to mix emotions and feelings from the right side of her brain with the left task side and enhance the results. This can be a great advantage in a business environment.Could this be a clue to women’s
intuition? This could be why women can do multiple tasks simultaneously. Many women can talk on the phone and do any number of other tasks simultaneously. Some women can even break into conversation during sex. This is baffling to many men. It’s not that men can’t pull off the same process, but it’s like having to go into fourwheel drive. Men have to stop and get out and switch the wheel hubs first. Then they have to get out and switch back once they are over the rough part. That's why sometimes when women are cruising along in a conversation with many points and the guy will suddenly say, "Hold on now, let me catch up and think about this for a minute." He will get a look on his face which reveals that the gears are actually turning."Love is being defined by a woman's yardstick. It's not surprising men fall short." Bernie Zilbergeld, psychologist, Author (The New Male Sexuality, Batam)
This research suggests why women can usually see relationships clearly. Most women know what it takes to be in a good relationship. They know when the necessary ingredients are missing. Women are usually the ones who break off a relationship because they see problems. And women tend to take on the burden of the success or failure of the relationship. When it doesn’t succeed, women pile more of the responsibility on why it didn’t work.
With the help of another new imaging technic, researchers were able to see that when women are sad, EIGHT TIMES more of the right side (where depression takes place) of the brain glows with activity. This could suggest why women are at least twice as depressed as men in this society.
This view of the emotion and feeling side of the brain could answer a question I’ve been asked at speaking engagements. Women will ask, "Why are men seemingly able to shut off their emotions and feelings and we can’t?" Women find this inconceivable, because most women can’t do it. This is a good example of how our brains work differently, and we establish different expectations of one another.
So when the eternal question is asked, "When are men going to get IT?" What seems crystal clear to a woman might not be so to her partner. Would she be more understanding if she found out her partner was one of the 480 million who understood Chinese but she only knew English? That’s how it sometimes seems to be in communicating because men and women process information differently. Most men can’t get there from here. They just aren’t capable of seeing IT the way you do. Not only don’t they know, they don’t even suspect.
Can’t women tell by the blank look on men's faces sometimes? I had a woman tell me recently that this was the gorilla mode. She always keeps a bunch of bananas on hand. When she attempts to communicate with her husband and he starts to get that gorilla look on his face, she hands him a banana. Some guys can be married for 20 or 30 years and still not know they are in a serious relationship.
Men will say they really try to get IT, but every time they think they’re getting close, the rules seem to change. When men get to that point, many feel the following Rules that were made in humor are very real and true.
1. The Female always makes the Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some of the Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it’s because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding . 8. The Female can change her mind at any given time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at ALL times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under NO circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these Rules will result in bodily harm.
14. If the Female has PMS, all Rules are null and void.
Well, now that men know the Rules, they should be able to get IT.
So, if we can recognize that men process and use their brains differently, but still can’t find their way to IT, are they worth keeping? Yes, women could end their relationships and find someone else, but is IT going to accomplish what they are looking for?
It's not that you or your significant other shouldn’t pronounce your relationship dead. Could this be more of those unrealistic expectations? Oh, you might improve the average, but it probably won’t be the 100% you’re looking for. We seldom get 100% of what we want in life.
Does your partner equal 60% of what you're looking for in the relationship? This is the bearable level. What we're looking for here is to propel you beyond bearable. How about negotiating whatever you need of the remaining 40% to make the relationship work? I know, if we really loved one another, we would automatically know what to do. We would know each other's heart's desires and dreams. Well, we have already covered that ground concerning how men and women think differently. It's hard for most men to recognize and understand what women want, even when they try. No, negotiating is not romantic and it shouldn't have to be this way, but it might be the road map that heads you toward the destination of having a better quality of life. Going around the tough learning curve on this map might direct you to this road to intimacy you are trying to find. Do you want to be right or happy?
NUGGET: If your relationship has 60% of what you're looking for, negotiate whatever you need of the remaining 40% to make it work. Remember, we seldom get 100% of what we want in life.
HOW: Negotiate until you have an agreement. Write it down. Yes, as in business, write it down. It will prevent
amnesia later.The above is from the book "Fire Up Your Communication Skills" (ISBN 09657620-6- 8) by Fire "Captain Bob" Smith. He is a recognized expert and speaker/author on stress, communication and relationship skills. He is a humorist, coach, entrepreneur and frequent talk show guest. He also produces customized presentations for career and personal growth. To book him as a speaker, ask him any questions, or get a copy of his book and tapes call (888) 238-3959. e-mail: captbob@verio.com. WebPage: http://www.eatstress.com.