What's exciting for me is that I believe the Love Bank I have described is an accounting system for Dr. Gottman's five-to-one ratio. Imagine what could happen if you used this information. Suppose you opened a Love Bank Account with that special person in your life and used it to transcend to the five-to-one ratio.
Well, come back with me a few months when I was working at the firehouse. Tom was called in to work for four hours of overtime. He was from a different station and shift. Knowing I had done some communication and relationship work, he got me aside and said, "Bob, I'm in big trouble." I asked, "With what?" He said, "My marriage! I don't know what I'm going to do."
Tom said that he got no support from the guys at the firehouse. He explained, "When I try to tell them what is going on, they hit me in the chest and say, 'Forget her, let's go get hammered.'"
Tom told me that six months earlier he and his wife had what I call THE TALK. The talk can come whenever situations build up and aren't resolved. It usually blind sides one of the partners. Tom's wife told him he wasn't part of her life. He was always gone with the guys, coaching and/or competing in sports, besides working his firefighter shifts. She didn't think he loved her anymore, and she was losing her love for him, too.
Like most guys, firefighters get many of their needs met at work. We have certainty, uncertainty, variety, significance, discipline, comfort, connection, growth and contribution. Because we go home with our tank pretty full, we aren't always motivated to provide the same vital necessities for our partners.
Tom attempted to make changes. But he made the BIG mistake of not asking his wife what changes she wanted. And if changes aren't what the other person needs, it doesn't make any difference what a person does.
So now it was six months later and she was still felt the same way. She threatened to leave with their four year old son. She stated that because of what had already happened, counseling was not an option.
From our conversation I suspected that Tom's wife Tara was at Dr. Gottman's level four, stonewalling. Had she crossed the line?
I sent Tom home with four chapters from this book. As Tara read the chapter on the five-to-one ratio, she said, "I'm right here," pointing to stonewalling. Had she crossed the line? Reading the other chapters, she said, "Did he write this about you? Because this is exactly what you've been doing."
They went for a walk and discussed the chapters. They talked several times during the next three days. Then Tara caught some hope. Maybe with these new tools, they could work it out. Tom took the time to ask Tara the changes she really needed. He opened a Love Bank Account and started making deposits. He started his transition toward the five-to-one ratio.
"
Hope is the anchor for the soul"Three weeks later she felt it was real; Tom wasn't just putting out spot fires, as before. Tara said, "I think I still love you." Three months later they went away to celebrate their anniversary. I saw Tom a month later and he said, "It's never been better."
One year later he told me, "It's still hard work, but well worth it. It's never like before because we have the Nuggets of Life needed to work it out."
This firefighter became a hero in his own home by saving his marriage. Imagine what could happen in your life?
NUGGET: Open a Love Bank Account. Use it as an accounting system to transition to the Five-to-one ratio.
HOW: Make the kinds of deposits your partner needs most.
Testimonial from Tom
Two years ago was a terrible year for my family; or so I thought. Actually, my five year marriage was not as great as I assumed. It all came down on top of me that summer.
Two things happened in our marriage relationship that made me realize something was wrong. First, my wife spent more time and seemed to have more fun with her friends than with me. And second, we hardly ever communicated or did things together. When we did, it was not fun. We had grown apart.
My wife told me that she no longer loved me and I was in danger of losing her to someone else! If I did not become a better husband, father, listener and friend, she was planning on moving out. I was shocked, amazed, hurt and disappointed, but she was right in every way. I did not know who to turn to. I was very embarrassed to tell anyone about my problems.
One day while working with Captain Bob, we had a discussion about women. My problems with communicating and listening to my wife surfaced. With Bob's words of wisdom, passages and excepts from his book, my wife and I were able to identify the problems in all facets of our relationship. We have become best friends again, and now I can honestly say that we are on the road to salvaging our marriage. It is a continuing process! We must work at it each day.
I realized one thing through this whole ordeal. We both need each other a lot, and if we know how to listen and can communicate better with each other, the better our relationship will be better in the long run.
Tom
"Being in love means speaking the same language. Loving means speaking the other person's language." The Rt. Rev. John R. Wyatt
The above is from the book "Fire Up Your Communication Skills" (ISBN 09657620-6- 8) by Fire "Captain Bob" Smith. He is a recognized expert and speaker/author on stress, communication and relationship skills. He is a humorist, coach, entrepreneur and frequent talk show guest. He also produces customized presentations for career and personal growth. To book him as a speaker, ask him any questions, or get a copy of his book and tapes call (888) 238-3959. e-mail: captbob@verio.com. WebPage: http://www.eatstress.com.