We were out at dinner one night with friends, Jim and Jo, whose marriage had been rocky for some time. They asked what we were doing, and we told them the concept of this book. Jim said, "Oh, boy, another book I'm going to find on my pillow." I told Jim it wasn't going to work like that. In the book those chapters that speak loudest to men would have an * (asterisk) beside them. Men can get into the book and cut right to the chase. If they like what they read, they will read on.
Actually, many women who read books on how to improve their marriages and relationships and who attend seminars or hear a good church sermon, think, If only my partner could read or understand this information, our lives would be better. It's like the lyrics in the old Cole Porter song, "When are the bells going to chime, when is the poem going to rhyme?" Most men hate this. When I made that statement at a speaking engagement, one of the women asked, "Well, if they don't like this, then what do they want?" A quick look at the men's survey shows the most listed areas that make men feel that they were special and loved. They were: being accepted for who they were and not having to change, and being supported in whatever venture, hobby or career they are involved in. Many men feel that women marry men hoping to change them, whereas men marry women hoping they won't.
"Women buy seven out of every ten books sold. That's known. But it's also known that women, ever hopeful, buy a lot of books for men." The Grab Bag.
The main reason that men dislike being shown how and what to change to improve their relationships is that most men don't have the tools in their tool box to know how to process this
information, or realize there is even the need for the tools. The information is foreign to most guys. Most men were not shown the necessary role model in their family of origin. When, as young men, were we able to sit down with our dads to go over the problems of life and relationships? Probably never. We probably weren't in a home that was emotionally healthy enough where our dads had the tools either.
As our conversation at dinner began to center on those things that make people feel special or loved, Jim snapped at his wife, "Well, Jo, I bet you don't know those things that make me feel loved!" Jo paused, then said calmly, "You know, Jim, you're probably right. Why don't you tell me." Silence followed -- Jim couldn't tell Jo because he didn't know. Jim didn't know the next day either, or the next week, or even two months later. Jim is still not in touch with his feelings enough to tell his wife what makes him feel special or loved. (See Jo's testimonial at the end of this Chapter.)
You can't use the Love Bank as a weapon, as Jim tried to do. It will self-destruct.
While doing our surveys, it quickly became clear that women could say exactly what made them feel special or loved. I could say to almost any woman, "I'm writing a book. Do you know those things that make you feel loved?" The female brain (computer) does not have to go searching. In a nano second, without hesitation, most women can explain in specific terms what makes them feel loved.
Men need more time to think about it. They would say, "I'll get back to you. I'll have to think about it for awhile." But, despite this promise, I never received a survey sheet back from a man who said he would fill it out later and mail it to us; that is, unless his wife said she would fill them out and get them to us.
I was to make a presentation at a men's retreat on a Saturday at 11:00 a.m. I met with the group the night before to explain what I was going to talk about and to pass out the survey forms. By the time I was going to speak on Saturday, most of the men still had not completed their survey forms.
Sometimes it's easier for men to write down at a later time what makes them feel special or loved instead of telling about what makes them feel loved.
You may say that you didn't know what made that special person in your life feel loved. Well now that you know, what are you going to do with the information? And why wouldn't a person want to provide those things that made that special person in his or her life feel special and loved? First of all, he or she might not have the tools in his or her tool box to know how even to begin. This is one of the goals of this book, to add those necessary tools to your tool box and transition to the five-to-one ratio.
For some people, though, not providing those things that make another person feel loved might be a control issue that keeps a mate right on the edge of insecurity. John never gave his wife a card or a gift on her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, or on their anniversary, even after 20 years of marriage. He says if he started doing it now, his wife would think he was cheating on her. John says his wife knows how good she has it. He might believe that, but does his wife? His actions seem mean, stingy, selfish, and lazy.
After being bombarded with information from this book, he recently gave his wife a card for her birthday. He was overwhelmed at the reception he received from just this simple act.
"There is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving." Henry Drummond (1851-1897)
There are some folks who will never reveal all the cards in their hand and, thus, let others know what makes them feel special or loved, nor will they do for others what makes others feel loved. These same people also seem to be the masters of a hidden agenda. They can't possibly reveal their hidden agenda because they are acting out the woundedness (hurts) of their past. But how can any serious relationship go forward if you don't know about the past? It requires that you have to reveal who you really are. Revealing your hurts and insecurities may make you vulnerable and defenseless.
Instead, start by meeting another's
needs. Then you're not giving up the battle, you're becoming a better person. You go from self centered to other centered. The giver here usually ends up receiving more that he or she gives. We've heard the comment that if you knew all about your mate, life would be boring. Experience with the Love Bank has shown that if you work on those things that make your mate feel special and loved, his or her self-esteem will become renewed and elevated. It's like a piano that is out of tune. You become the tuning fork, using the Love Bank to fine-tune your relationship.And, as in giving of yourself, you will also improve your own self-esteem. It is sending the message that it was important enough for you to ask and care. Many marriages and relationships have never been better since they have used the Love Bank process. And this has not just been a momentary or temporary change. My own marriage has never been better in 32 years. In this process, my wife and I have become the best of friends. And it should come as no surprise that people with an increased feeling of self-esteem are easier to live with and be with.
NUGGET: If you help others with their esteem and with what makes them feel special or loved, it can't help but build and also improve your self-esteem.
HOW: Don't expect that a book on your partner's pillow will be the guiding light. That is, of course, unless it's this book. Just kidding? Know what makes you feel specially loved before you start asking others the question. By being able to share with others what makes both of you feel loved, the magic begins, and the Love Bank can be a joint account.
"You give little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)
The above is from the book "Fire Up Your Communication Skills" (ISBN 09657620-6- 8) by Fire "Captain Bob" Smith. He is a recognized expert and speaker/author on stress, communication and relationship skills. He is a humorist, coach, entrepreneur and frequent talk show guest. He also produces customized presentations for career and personal growth. To book him as a speaker, ask him any questions, or get a copy of his book and tapes call (888) 238-3959. e-mail: captbob@verio.com. WebPage: http://www.eatstress.com.